The Truth shall make ye fret

I got this gem today of how to save and spend at the same time:

Install German based “LaMod POWER SAVER” & save up to 35% electric bill. One year warranty. ONLY Rs 5,34,000/- Order us- 09******89.

I do not mean to sound like Doris Day, but 5 lakh? What are they giving along with the power saver, a BMW 360i? Thank you, but I think I will refrain from “ordering them.”

Nein, danke.

Please. We are SO going to win. If not, we can mend our hearts with commentary like this, inanities that make us fall off, laughing, or just make us fall off. Period. 

 Tony Grieg asking Raza during a World Cup 1999  Preview show on ESPN:

Grieg: How does Pakistan get so many youngsters in the team?

Reply: The youngsters are very young. 

Eeeks! 

Gems from our very “flamboyant” Ravi Shastri cannot be ignored, not when he is pushing decibel levels in saying things like: 

“Next three overs are crucial for India.” ( During the 47th over. Wow. Insightful.) 

“The batting team is in the driver’s seat.” (We hope that he says it during Sri Lanka batting. Statistically, a wicket has fallen EVERY time after the utterance of this statement.) 

See. I feel better already. Well, a little less of clammy hands and racing heart,anyway.

(Source: kirandhanwada.com)

Time to speak the absolute truth: a golden knight standing at 34 centimeters and weighing all of four kilograms has been the reason for the most ludicrous, amazing and outrageous moments in recorded movie history.  From public humping to French kissing siblings to shipwrecks of films getting recognition (Titanic,anyone?) the Academy Awards, nicknamed the “Oscars” has given audiences around the world a lot of fodder for discussion, to say the least.

So it is that time of the year again when political correctness and immense egotism will enjoy a lavish spread along with $ 75,000 gowns. As audience, we are tired of terrible choices-and horrendous moments- made by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences every year, especially in the last few decades.

However, with a history of 83 years and the Academy itself making significant changes to the ceremony this year, we still retain some hope for the most watched popular film awards show in the world.

So here is a list of 8 things we would want to watch (and moments we would never like repeated ever) for the Oscars 2011:

1. Want to watch: The effervescent Anne Hathaway and the charismatic James Franco doing their, what hopefully would be a smart and funny, turn as the youngest hosts in Oscar history. Hathaway, 28, and Franco, 32 are also the first male-female duo physically sharing the Oscar stage in the history of broadcasts. So we expect less flat jokes (cue Chris Rock in 2005 who alleged that most of the people had not even watched the nominated films) and more Hathaway ribbing Franco about his Best Actor Nomination for his turn in ‘127 Hours, ’ and taking her own case for appearing in the disaster named “Alice in Wonderland.”

  2.  Do not want to watch: All the awardees being a repeat of the                 earlier award shows like Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild Awards. We are seriously tired of all the usual suspects being lined up. It’s like entering a candy store and finding all the shelves empty. So instead of watching a heavily pregnant Natalie Portman bursting into tears (the third time around) on getting the award for her turn as a creepy ballerina on the brink of insanity, why not give it to Nicole Kidman for playing a grief-wracked mother mourning her dead child? This is not just an effort to be different; it is just that she essays insanity so much better. 

  3.     Want to watch: The nominees for the “Best Song” being performed though the course of the night. A tradition which was scrapped last year, owing to increasing the length of the show, this segment has showcased some of the best contributions of American cinema to world cinema, including John Wayne. Remember Antonio Banderas soulfully singing “Al otro lado del río (On the other side of the river) from “The Motorcycle Diaries” at the 2005 ceremony which became the first Spanish song to wind up with the award or Audrey Hepburn’s lilting “Moon River” at the 1962 ceremony and you will see why these snatches of musical genius light up the show.

4. Do not want to watch: Minor awards being given to random things like “Short Subject- Fiction,” followed by more people sobbing over how many months they have spent filming a floating plastic bag. Please, these cut into the running time of an elephantine show, making it even duller. If we are interested, we would just watch the separate ceremony held for Technical awards. Or American Beauty. 

5. Want to watch: Kissing scenes spurred by joyous exhilaration and sometimes just a desire to shock. When being given the golden man for Best Actor in 2002, the then 29-year-old Adrien Brody grabbed presenter, a visibly uncomfortable Halle Berry and laid one on her with the cameras whirring. In 2000, Angelina Jolie paid a tribute to her character which got her the award, the sociopath and rebellious Lisa in ‘Girl Interrupted’, by French kissing her biological brother, James. This year, with Halle Berry up for nomination in the thriller “Frankie And Alice”, our voyeuristic selves certainly want Brody to be presenter.

6. Want to watch: Fabulous acceptance speeches that make our day-or night- depending on which country you are viewing it from. Irrespective of the terrible track record the ceremony now has, at one time the stage was graced by the fresh-faced Audrey Hepburn getting recognized for playing a charming princess in her debut “Roman Holiday” (1953) whose disbelief that “someone with a face like hers could make it in movies, let alone come this far,” makes you weep with her. So we would like that elegance back please. Instead of 72-year-old Jack Palance doing violent push-ups on the stage in 1992 when he got an award for “City Slickers.” Or the great Marlon Brando sending an Apache Indian to collect his award for “The Godfather” in 1972, an apparent protest against Hollywood’s treatment of Native Americans. It was later discovered the girl was a Mexican starlet for hire. Alright, Brando wins. In more ways than one.

7. Want to watch: Indian films-and filmmakers-getting more than a conciliatory pat on the back. After Satyajit Ray’s Academy Honorary Award in 1991 and Bhanu Athaiya’s Costume Design for Gandhi in 1982, the Academy just bypassed the largest film industry in the world. After Lagaan got the cold shoulder at the 2002 ceremony for the Best Foreign Language Film in favour of the terribly mundane treatise on war, Bosnia’s “No Man’s Land,” we admit that India has not exactly been forthcoming with it’s nominations. However, if the decrepit “The Kids are Alright”, dealing with infidelity in a modern family can be up for “Best Picture”, then the achingly smart black comedy “Peepli Live” from India can be considered as well. Just saying.

8. Do not want to watch: Long drawn out montages giving tribute the “great” world of American filmdom and even longer boring operatic, opening sequences. Cut to 1989, where rising star Rob Lowe, immediately on the heels of a sex scandal involving a 16-year-old girl, chose to sing “Proud Mary,” of all things with an actress masquerading as Snow White. Not very appropriate, to say the least. Even 2009’s Hugh Jackman’s opening sequence was more of a tribute to his own song-and-dance (which are debatable) abilities than to any of the nominated films. We would like to see more of 2010’s Neil Patrick Harris’s short and flamboyant performance, with a fabulous singing voice to match. Harris’s sequence got more hits on the Oscar page than any in recent years. True story.   

The Oscars will be telecast live from Los Angeles across Indian television screens on Monday, February 28, 2011. 6 am onwards.

For more information on the Oscars, log on to:

www.oscar.com